Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 18, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PDT

1:30 am
1:31 am
1:32 am
>> that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. >> there is a museum exhibit in manhattan that anthony weiner probably doesn't want to see. he's featured in a new exhibit at the museum of sex. the museum has an exhibit called c captioning spo captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you very much. thank you, thank you, thank you.
1:33 am
good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. [ cheers and applause ] please, please. we have so much to talk about. folks, you know, the cover of "rolling stone" magazine has long been a cultural landmark dating all the way back to 2006 when it featured me along with... i want to say tom daily? he makes movies now. i don't know. so when a rolling stone cover features something controversial, people notice. >> rolling stone magazine is causing a big stir with its
1:34 am
newest edition featuring the surviving boston marathon bombing suspect. the august 3 issue features a cover of a photo of dzhokhar tsarnaev that he took himself. >> this election of august cover boy has generated thousands of negative comments on rolling stone's facebook page. >> they are calling for a boycott of a magazine. >> organizing a boycott of a magazine is no easy task because, first, you have to find someone who buys magazines. now, folks, i understand why people are angry that dzhokhar tsarnaev is on the cover because up until now rolling stone's covers always featured role models like roman polanski, o.j. simpson or charles manson. [ cheers and applause ] why hent that dude put out any good music lately? he was my favorite beach boy.
1:35 am
now folks, i'm going to shock some people right now by defending rolling stone magazine. they're just using controversy to gain attention. let's face it. the magazine industry is dying. i don't know why. i think it may have caught something from sitting in all those doctors' offices. now besides, rolling stone is not doing anything that has not been done by other magazines. i mean, we all remember when men's health had their controversial cover. hitler's final solution for belly fat flew off the shelves and cosmopolitan's 50 ways to make your man say americans must pay with blood for the death of muslims abroad. warning. number 5 is whvment whistling) rolling stone, listen up. i am not going to bite on your controversy bait here and give you free publicity by holding up your magazine and talking about it. nice try. you see, i'm not a guy who just
1:36 am
buys whatever the latest hype is. no, i'm waiting for the next hype to come out because that's going to be great. i hear it has bluetooth. so naturally i also reject the lamestream media hype that the republican-controlled house of representatives cannot get anything done. >> congress is totally dysfunctional. >> the house has become a pretty dysfunctional place. the right wing tea party crowd in the house republican caucus seems to be running the place. >> the situation on capitol hill is dire. congress doesn't know anything. and it can't get anything done. >> stephen: bill, i am disappointed. how can the house be expected to get anything done when many of the bills they vote on don't even repeal obama care? for instance, take the immigration reform bill. it is going nowhere in the house of representatives because it is full of problems. sure, it mass i have beenly increases security on the mexican border, but as virginia representative and nordstrom
1:37 am
make-up counter victim, bob goodlatte points out, the bill overlooked the need for border agents in the interior of our country. yes, yes, thank you. our interior borders are defenseless. and when... [ cheers and applause ] congressman, they are applauding for you. when will we build the border wall with florida? we cannot let... [ cheers and applause ] we cannot let those maniacs into our country. it is legal to shoot each other down there. and last week, just last week house of representatives proved that they are not do-nothings by done didding something. they passedded the farm bill. now, that might not sound like
1:38 am
much. traditionally the farm bill is a routine piece of legislation which provides government subsidies for farmers while also setting aside money for food stamps. it's a win-win. help for the folks who grow the corn and help for folks who live on nothing but corn syrup. now the house had not passed a farm bill in two years because 60 house republicans demanded deep can yous in food stamps. but last week house republicans agreed to an historic compromise on food stamps by eliminating the food stamps. jim? >> the u.s. house narrowly passedded a scaled-down farm bill after dropping food stamps from the measure. food stamps can wait but farm programs cannot. >> stephen: yes, farm programs cannot wait. we need to grow the food that people can no longer afford to buy. see, republicans showed they were willing to compromise by eliminating the part of the bill they refused to compromise on.
1:39 am
it's just like a cardiologist who is having problems with a patient's heart. instead of getting bogged down in complicated procedures he simply removes the heart. problem solved. [ cheers and applause ] the best part... the best part, that patient no longer needs food stamps. and without this government handout, he is motivated to work. it keeps him hungry for success and, of course, food. now the g.o.p. breakthrough did not satisfy mainstream media stomach grumblers like cbs senior root vegetable bob scheiffer. >> you pass a farm bill in the house that gives billions of dollars, much of it to large corporations that own farms. it's almost like welfare for the wealthy. but you don't include a dollar for hungry people for food stamps. what kind of a message is that?
1:40 am
>> stephen: i'll take that one, bob. it is a principled conservative message based on the old adage, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. take away his food stamps and he'll found fish-co, a multinational seafood conglomerate that gets a massive subsidy in the next farm bill. [ cheers and applause ] besides, folks, let's be clear. republicans are not ogres. although if we can find a cheap way to grind bones into bread, they're willing to listen. they just understand that providing subsist ens nutrition traps people in a state of poverty and that's not right. is it, republican congressman mike kelly? >> that's not right. that's not american. that's not way we worked in the past. and that's not what our future should hold for us. it should be one of blue skies and strong winds at our backs in a nation that has everything that god could possibly provide for us. we have tillable soil and potable water. as far as providing food for people, my goodness, we shouldn't be vulnerable in this
1:41 am
country any place. >> stephen: yeah, we don't need food stamps. america's blessed blue skies and strong winds and tillable soil and potable water not to mention edible soil and drum stick wrappers with chocolate nuts stuck on them. there's the old man in the park who just gives away bread crumbs. how hard could it be to elbow a pigeon out of the way and peck your way to a full stomach? plus food stamps just turns being poor into some sort of poorgasboard. who wouldn't want to stay home and not work when you can rake in an average of an $134 a month for food. that's almost one $5 foot long a day. three inches for breakfast. four inches for lunch. five inches for dinner. for dessert, the plastic bag. don't worry, folks. do not worry. house republicans are absolutely going to pass funding for food stamps at some point.
1:42 am
and when they don't, if people are still hungry, we'll just combine the food stamp program with the immigration program and let poor people eat mexicans. the best part is, the best part is, they are a healthy snack because they pick their own vegetables. we'll be right back. )bb0f[p"p"4dp├▒
1:43 am
1:44 am
1:45 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a meade yen whom you may know from costanza. please welcome jerry seinfeld. [ cheers and applause ] hey, jerry, good to see you again. thank you for coming on. good to see you. how have you been. >> great, great to be here. stephen: so exciting to see you doing a show again. >> yeah, thank you very much. stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah. i'm talking about my show, of
1:46 am
course. >> exactly. stephen: but you had the tv show on the national broadcast. >> i did yes. stephen: now you're the executive producer and star of the web series meade yens and cars getting coffee. okay. >> okay. stephen: we don't have to talk about it. >> it's not really an executive producer. >> stephen: you're not? who calls the shots, jerry. >> i do. stephen: you're the executive producer. you can call yourself what you want. you can call yourself grand vizzier but the guy who calls the shots is the exec. >> i'm not really an exec. stephen: are you doing... do you have a network behind you? >> i do have a network. it's called the internet. >> stephen: wow. that's my network. stephen: tell me about this. i'm intrigued. it's very popular with the kids. >> very popular with the kids. stephen: you actually get in a car with every show. >> that's right. stephen: and with a comedian. have you seen the show. stephen: i have, yeah. very simple. stephen: it is very simple.
1:47 am
the idea of the title is so i wouldn't have to answer these questions. that's the idea. >> stephen: i'm just making sure that there's not some sort of sub text i don't understand because, you know, a car, you know, a cigar is just a cigar but a car can often be a substitute. >> okay. stephen: you describe the car. you describe the car. one of the things i like is i was watching the porsche one. with seth myers. and you take a long time describing the car that you're in. >> i do like cars. and i like to talk about them just for a couple of minutes at the beginning of the show. just because it's a weird thing to do. >> stephen: you always like to describe where you are and where you're sitting. >> yeah, i like to talk about things that we're all interested in. >> stephen: we're at 151 west 54th street right now.
1:48 am
that converted to the daily show. when he left i took it over. we're at a solid wood table that has a leaf right here. we're in two herman miller chairs. do you want some coffee? >> look at that. is this really coffee. >> stephen: it is. would you like some? >> fox. that's the best kind of coffee. >> stephen: basic cable. we spare no expense. >> this is great. stephen: so why those three things? i know you don't want to talk about. >> why do i describe the car. stephen: why cars, coffee and comedians? >> because... because they're the things of normal living. >> stephen: comedians are not normal living. i'm not a comedian. >> well, you are. you're funny. >> stephen: they're not normal. people at the club say i'm funny. >> for me they're normal. this is my normal life that i thought might be interesting to
1:49 am
show people in a strange internet kind of way. >> stephen: let's show people. let's show them right now. >> yeah. the ability to talk to a lot of people is freakish. it's more freakish to be able to run fast or dunk a basketball or any of those other things. it's freakish. >> do you think superman could talk to a thousand people at one time? >> yes. he can get their attention because he has to bend something first but to just get up in front of a thousand people and start talking. >> give him a few minutes and then... >> they would lose the room. burn something with his x-ray vision or something. he flies and comes back. okay. i've got your attention. [ cheers and applause ]
1:50 am
>> stephen: it's beautiful. we've got the beautiful car at the top. beautiful photography. >> thank you. stephen: the show at the top is like mixed with a nijella lawson kind of food porn photography. in the middle you've got two very entertaining people just talking to each other. >> right. stephen: do you put any effort into the show at all? >> yeah. stephen: you really look like you're just kind of bic r winging it in a beautiful way but total winging it. >> when i'm doing the show, no. i put no effort into it because we don't have an audience that you and i are very aware of right now. >> stephen: i don't know what you're talking about. >> and we know we have to please them to keep you on the air. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: can you stick around. >> sure, why not. tephen: we'll be right back with more jerry seinfeld.
1:51 am
[and aps and ap
1:52 am
1:53 am
1:54 am
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back to my eight-part series with jerry seinfeld. jerry, let me ask you this. why did you do this show? >> it's a very personal little thing. i did it as an experiment last year, and i put it on the internet without telling anybody, no press, no interview, no ads, nothing. people started to like it. >> stephen: do you have to pay? to be on it. stephen: no, to watch it.
1:55 am
no, it's free. it's free. >> stephen: do you get paid to do it? >> we're making enough money to keep doing it. at this point. thank to the accura car company after we made the ones last year, they said we'll pay for you to make some more. >> stephen: would you like me to put a graphic of accura up right now. >> yes. if they hadn't said we'll do this. that would be the end of it. >> stephen: if it wasn't for fat pockets, we wouldn't be talking right now. by the way, accura and hot pockets are made out of the same material. i'm not a comedian but i'm interested in comedians. who did you like? who were the people that you wanted to be when you were younger. you're just sitting here talking to comedians. if you could put any comedian in that car who influenced you, who would it be? >> almost every comedian i saw when i was a kid influenced me just because i didn't understand, i guess most people do, when you see comedians on tv and they come out on these shows and any stand there and they
1:56 am
just keep talking in a series of jokes. and i thought, what is this? who are these people that can do this? and i thought they were some kind of, as chris says, freakish people that can just talk in a series of jokes. but you can't do that. you have to... it's a profession that you learn how to do. is any of this news? >> stephen: all of it. all of it is news to me. but you're yelling it at me, you realize. you're yelling it at me. you're dominating me right now. see, i'm back. you're forward. you're yelling this at me. >> that is step one. stephen: is this a defense mechanism because a lot of people use anger or jokes as a defense mechanism. >> no, i use it to control others. >> stephen: which is another form. tehrans do that. tyrants are afraid of their own people. they control them because they're afraid of being overthrown. >> basically stand-up is a rally in an egyptian square for money.
1:57 am
>> stephen: answer my question. who were the people that you liked? >> i loved alan king, richard pryor. anybody that came out and stood there and just talkd in a series of jokes, i just thought who are these people who can do this? cosby. i love cosby. >> stephen: my favorite. very funny fellow. bill cosby is a very funny fellow, right. >> cosby and carlin and robert klein. >> stephen: are you satisfied with being jerry seinfeld? >> well, if i'm not, i'm going to need some serious help because that guy... >> stephen: some of the performers, some performers aren't satisfied with being themselves. they always have some sort of need to be something else or to prove themselves as a performer. >> well, i would say, you know,
1:58 am
that really is the difference between comedians and people who play other people. come on. stay calm. >> stephen: but you're like the biggest, you had the biggest show of all time. is there anything left for you. >> please, please, finish your thought. [ cheers and applause ]
1:59 am
>> stephen: i don't usually drink coffee with a guest. >> comedians... stephen: you know none of this is going on the air, right? >> really. stephen: we're like an hour and 15 at this point. i'm actually taking time from your show on the internet at this point. jerry seinfeld, thank you so much for joining me. >> my pleasure. stephen: comedians, cars getting coffee. the man is jerry seinfeld. we'll be right back.
2:00 am